I Live A Damn Happy Life — Why Can’t I Feel Anything?

Without lows, there are no true highs.

By all accounts, I’ve lived a damn happy life.

After all, that is my goal. That’s the only thing I’ve said I wanted for, at least, the past four years.

And I’ve meant it.

Other things, they haven’t really mattered.

I care about the people around me.

I’ve put forth an effort to be a better contributor to society — whether it’s for the environment or for the less privileged.

I continually try to educate myself on matters that are important to me.

Generally, people around me are happy. And I’m happy, too.

It’s easy for me to say I’ve lived a life of fewer hardships than most people. Most of the things that become challenging to me, I slowly ignore or downplay. That’s how I’ve coped with the difficulties in the past.

Rather than fighting to overcome something that will soon be meaningless, I have chosen to forget about it.

Don’t sweat the small things.

Worry about things you can control.

For the longest time, I believed I was doing myself a favor by telling myself these things.

These are motto’s I have lived by and I thought I was happier because of it. I probably have been happier because of it.

But what I didn’t see was how I was also affecting my relationship to my friends and family.

And, more importantly, how it has affected my relationship with myself.

The only problem I’ve had in my life is me.

This attitude — the ‘whatever happens, happens’ attitude — has numbed my sense of everything.

I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I don’t get scared to face new obstacles. I’m not shy about new environments or new people.

It all doesn’t make me feel anxious anymore.

On the surface, this seems like a win. Though, there are problems that hangout under the surface.

Without a bit of anxiety, I’m realizing that excitement isn’t the same, either.

I may not fear new experiences, but I don’t get emotional about them.

People have told me they envy my bravery and my lifestyle. I’ve always taken the compliment with a grain of salt. My excitement about this life isn’t what it used to be.

My emotions have turned off. I’m only just realizing there is a romanticism to emotions.

By all accounts, I live a damn happy life. The only problem is me.